I know I know I am a horrible person I haven't written on here in a long time BUT that is because I have a very busy baby on my hands and nothing too exciting has happened. I love my life dont get me wrong but isn't there just times you want to cry and scream? Well if you dont I think you might be abnormal. I dont know I get anxiety I think when tensions are high and I'm feeling just a bit overwhelmed with my life's situation right now. I guess the real thing is that I am just feeling sorry for myself. I think im having a hard time adjusting to this period in my life. And im sure your all wondering what period in my life I am talking about and its called the college life, with a baby, while being poor, and possibly maybe possibly being pregnant with another one. NOT PLANNED! Did I mention that if I am they will only be 13 months apart? yeah a little bit stressful. Did I also mention a husband that is gone more than 80% of the week at school or at work? Yup thats my life. Hectic and out of control and the lows and highs. Thank goodness there is no going lower than we are with the stress level. I mean I am taking 12 credits, trying to keep your house spotless with 12 credits ONLINE and watching a baby is almost impossible. I guess I feel like I need to be super mom and wife all of the time. Which I know is unrealistic but I almost always strive for it anyways. Not to mention that your marriage changes drastically after you have a child? Some goods and some bads, but its still sad.
The reason I am feeling sorry for myself is because i feel like im doing all of my parenting alone. Not to mention not many of my friends are married with a baby, or even married at all? No one wants to hang out with an old married lady with a baby who isnt already married with a child. So I spend most of my days talking to myself, yeah call me crazy, or talking to A like he can understand what I am saying. I know A get tired of being around only me the majority of the time because when Dad get home its all smiles and squeals and kicking. I know this is how we have to live right now. But at times I feel it is unfair. I always told myself that I wouldnt marry at a young age and have children but I ended marrying young (I got married at the age of 19) and have a child at the age of 21. Literally though B. is gone to school from 8-5 and then has work until 11 at night and then on his arrival to get home from work he has homework. I just dont think there is much talking going on. Im just feeling alone and I think starting to get a little depressed by things going on. Some days I just feel like breaking down and crying for no reason but in my family we were taught crying is a weakness and shouldnt be done. I also dont like crying when B. is around because I feel like my stress just stresses him out more and he doesnt need any of that. I just want him to spend time with son. and that just isnt happening right now. I dont know I just feel like this is a never ending process of school and being poor and feeling lonely and I just dont feel like that will ever end any time soon. And on top of that my sister are hard to talk to. One has to one up you when talking about situations, one always tells you to suck it up and the other is always busy. They are my only life lines right now and I need them. Im being silly I know and i probably dont make sense to any one but oh well this is for me after all right? I know my luck will change but it just doesnt seem like it will change anytime soon.
Ill get over it and soon move on. But im just feeling a little over emotional so i thought the best way to get things out of my head and clear is to write them down.
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