This journal is just for me. I have no real intentions on ever really sharing this blog, its more of a journal to keep my thoughts in check.
I never was huge on high school actually just thinking about it gives me HIGH anxiety like it did everyday I went. I hated it and most of the people in there didnt really like me either at least I dont think. Just for the record I never hated anyone, I just was socially awkward and was bullied. Not the bullied at school, but the never ending emails that stated I needed to go kill myself. Cyber Bulling which by the way still went clear on after I was married, this was done by a class mate, this was two and a half years after high school graduation. I was kind of a loner and a social outcast. Have been since like 7th grade when one day one of the girls I was friends with decided to make sure no one was friends with me ever again. Im not really even sure the reason why was. But I sat everyday by myself for a whole year or two. I was pathetic, and I think thats when my anxiety set in. I never did have high self esteem either growing up so it made matters worse. Not only because I didnt have the ideal family life at home but because everything I ever did never was good enough for my father. So you can see my happiness after graduation, I never had to see the people who I had gone to school with since I was five. The people who no matter what snickered behind my back and talked about me, or pointed fingers my way. Or so I thought, but living in the same town as you grew up in to finish college is a never ending reminder of who you were or who you were perceived to be in high school. When you run into people at the grocery store its like you never left high school here. There is a saying I found on pintrest and it states " I live in a town that everyone claims to hate yet they never seem to leave." Not that I am criticizing anyone for wanting to live here because if thats what you want to do to your life thats fine its your life not mine. But I cant seem to be more eager to move away from all of the horrible memories that drove me to depression. I literally spent probably 80 percent of my time in my room at home watching movies on my laptop or sleeping or running. Rarely did I get out and hang out with what "someone would call a friend" I think I had two of them, and they were just as depressed as I was so they did the same thing or we did them together. After high school life got better, I stopped having so many anxiety attacks in school and out. I found people to start out fresh, no one who knew my back ground, and people I could be real with instead or putting on a face.I found a love for people all over again and have never looked back since.
I know this is a random first post but I recently ran into some people from high, school and though its been two years since I have been out they still made me feel stupid, and inadequate for their presence. I know I shouldnt feel like this but it still gives me anxiety. I love the life I live right now, I have a husband who loves me a son I cant seem to get enough of and people who care about me. Im just saying if some were to pay me 5 million buck to go back to high school I would never do it again... ever. worst time in my life ever. hands down.
